Message to the Ghost in my house

There is a ghost in my house that has been seriously annoying me lately. Since he or she is probably here watching me write this, I might as well address him or her directly.

Listen Ghost! I am not afraid of you. This is something you should now. I ain’t afraid of no ghosts! So there really is no reason for you to wake me up at 5am with your ‘boos’, ‘coos’, and other strange sounds. Besides, I’m not due to wake up till 530am.

What is the deal anyway? Are you stuck in limbo and need help resolving some issue before you can cross over? Is that it? Did someone murder you and your killer was never caught and you won’t rest until he pays for his crime. Whichever it is, I can help. Communication is the key here buddy. Leave me some clues! I recommend a message on the bathroom mirror after i take a hot shower. I figure you could manipulate the steam into words. No peeking.

If I am going to help you though, there has to be some ground rules.

1. No noises till after 530am. I’m cranky if I don’t get at least 6 hours of sleep. I won’t help you if I’m cranky.

2. If you’re a female ghost from Asia please do something about your hair if you’re going to show yourself. Cut it short, put it up, pull it back, or something. The long black hair hanging in front of the face with the one eye peeking out thing is a little scary.

3. Don’t mess with my TV. If I’m watching one of my shows or football and you interrupt the TV signal or crawl out of the TV, our deal is off. No exceptions! There is a reason I don’t use satellite.

4. Last but not least, You are not allowed to possess any object or anyone in this house…… unless your reason for possession is to communicate the problem you want me to solve for you. In that case, I will allow possession of any doll or toy with the exception of the Tickle Me Elmo. That would freak me out. If you cannot find an adequate toy, you can possess my daughter. But only for a short amount of time! And not during nap time!

PS: One more thing. My girlfriend says there is a bird that likes to hang out on my roof near the chimney opening making strange noises at 5am every morning. Can you handle that for me? I mean since you’re up anyway.

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