32 Teeth

Do you act differently around ‘unique’ looking individuals or do you treat everyone the same? I used to think I was the same guy no matter who I was talking to. In fact, I’ve received compliments from ‘odd’ looking folks substantiation my belief. If I’m talking to you and you got crazy bad breath, I don’t skip a beat. No reaction what so ever. If I’m talking to a female who is …… ‘Top Heavy’, my eyes stay above the neck line like I would with anyone else. I may have snuck a peek, but she didn’t notice. I have good peripheral vision. Most of the time I am on auto pilot when it comes to not showing surprise, shock, nausea, disgust, disapproval or disbelief. Lately though, I think I’m starting to slip.

Last year I needed some fence work done in my back yard so I randomly selected a guy from the online yellow pages. Guy shows up and I reach out with my right hand to shake his right hand. Problem!! He only has two fingers on his right hand! And it’s two odd fingers like his thumb and pinkie. Something like that. The old Tony would have played it off showing no reaction whatsoever. Instead I looked down at this hand and said ‘sorry about that’. I felt like an idiot! Anyway, dude did an excellent job on the fence. Six months later, I need the gate of my fence replaced. I call up two-fingers. He shows up and I’m ready for the hand shake. I put out my right hand, but this time he shakes my right hand with his left hand. Awkward! Damn!! He must have remembered our last encounter. That threw me off and again I look down at this hand. I’ll be ready for him next time. He is a fence repair genius. No kidding. I don’t know how he does it.

Some of you already know, I’ve been kind of cheating on my diet. I am currently addicted to Braum’s chocolate ice cream. I don’t go crazy. Just one scoop at a time! One day I am at the Braum’s drive through….. (side note for those who don’t know what Braum’s is. It’s like Dairy Queen, but better.) Back to the story. I pull up to the drive through to pay for my order when this guy sticks his head out the window and shocks the hell out of me. He has one eye sagging about an inch lower than the other. I’m staring at the thing wondering if he can see out of it. It looks like his eye is falling out of his head. You can see eye veins and the stuff that is normally behind the eye. I have to be real. It was Gross. So I’m staring at the guy for what seemed like 2 minutes when my ears finally stop ringing and I hear him say (probably for the 4th or 5th time) “$1.35 please”. I felt like an ass because I knew he knew I was staring hard at his droopy eye. Why not wear a patch or something? Seems all was forgiven, because he gave me the biggest, best shaped scoop of ice cream a waffle cone could hold. Definitely better than the lady with no teeth who normally serves me.

I’m really starting to get concerned about this. When I used to work at an airport in Colorado I came across many different types of people of various sizes, shapes, colors……ailments. Nothing used to cause me to freeze, stare, or studder. I remember this one guy came through the airport with a tumor on the side of his face and neck the size of a basketball. Did not faze me at all. Maybe this Texas heat has messed me up somehow.

There’s more!

There is a burger place in my town called Griff’s. Decent place near my house. I go there last week for lunch and the lady that’s on the grill has a Unibrow. One long eyebrow! The Unibrow has got to be the most unattractive facial feature. That’s not all folks. She brings the food to the counter for me to pick up. (Not sure why the cook brought the food to the counter for me. She did not do that for anyone else. She must think all black guys like fat white girls) Anyway, as she gets closer I realize her unibrow is drawn in! Or tattooed! It’s not her real eyebrow. She shaved her real eyebrow and with makeup drew in her own. A unibrow!! She smiled as she gave me the food. I did not smile back. I stared at her like she was from another planet. And maybe she was! A human wouldn’t purposely do that to themselves, right? I hope to goodness it’s not a tattooed brow gone bad. I hope she was just not good with the eyebrow pencil that morning. (FYI ladies! Men do not like the fake eyebrows! We like real hair up there!) Much respect to the Unibrow though. She hooked me up with a delicious burger. Better than the last one cooked by the girl with no teeth.

P.S. There really is a girl working at Braum’s and at the burger place with missing teeth. I did not add that in for effect. My fence guy is also missing some teeth. We need to brush our teeth folks. Come on!


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