Step 1 (only step)- Watch ‘The Hobbit – An Unexpected Journey’ with your opponent/opponents.

Scoring:

- If you finish the movie you get 100 points.

- If you leave the theater for any reason (food, bathroom, etc) during the movie you deduct a point per minute absent.

- If you fall asleep during the movie you deduct a point per minute asleep. You can also lose points for almost falling asleep if caught nodding or flinching.  One point deduction for each occurrence.

- If you snore while you are sleeping there is an additional 10 point deduction on top of the point per minute.

- If you check your phone during the movie for any reason (check time, text, phone call, etc) you lose 5 points for each time you check.

- If any part of your body goes numb during the movie a point will be deducted every minute until you wake up the sleeping limb. A thumb tack should be used to verify normal sensation has returned.

- You can talk during the movie, but if during a conversation you reveal that you thought the Hobbit movie was a sequel to the Lord of the Rings trilogy and that  Bilbo Baggins was the son of Frodo,  you lose 40 points.  At which point you are allowed to leave the theater to use the restroom, refresh your drink, and return to your seat to sleep without additional penalty.

Total the scores from those who finished the movie and the person with the most points wins.

Good Luck Precious!!

Oblives = Olives
Teet = Tea
Skungbob Scirpants = Spongebob Squarepants
L L L O P = L M N O P (alphabet)
Aminals = Animals

So this weekend in the car on the way back from the zoo she starts singing ‘To the Black Club! To the Black Club!’.

What???!!! Threw me off for sure. What was she talking about? To the black club? She feel asleep shortly after so I couldn’t question her about it.

When she woke up I got another clue. She sang ‘Calling all super readers….to the black club!’.  After some google (or bing) research I figured out she was watching a cartoon called ‘Super Why’ and they do this chant ‘Calling all super readers…to the BOOK club!’.

Black = Book

Mystery solved!

I will not date you if….

1.   You’re a dishonest person.

2.   You weren’t born a woman.

3.   You are 5 or more years older than me. (Few exceptions)

4.   You are 10 or more years younger than me. (Many many exceptions)

5.   You can dunk a basketball.

6.   I have to bend over more than 45 degrees to kiss you.

7.   I have to look up to kiss you.

8.   I can’t pick you up.

9.   You can pick me up with ease.

10. You have a tramp stamp.

11. You can outrun me in the 100 meter dash.

12. You have very broad shoulders.

13. You are a professional swimmer. (See Reason #12).

14. You haven’t been to the dentist in over a year.

15. You’re disgusted by sushi, but are ok with eating fast food chicken nuggets.

16. You like to spend money you don’t have.

17. You shave off your eyebrows then color them back in.

18. You overuse cliches. (Example: ‘Everything happens for a reason’)

19. You have an annoying laugh.

20. You have to watch ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ every week.

21. After we work out together your B.O. is worse than my B.O.

22. You break spaghetti in half before you cook it.

23. You can eat more than I can. (Very difficult to do though)

24. After our first date you’re already willing to take your clothes off. (I may not tell you about this rule until the next morning though)

25. You’re into threesomes. (Again, I may not tell you about this rule until the next morning)

26. You can’t handle the fact that I have close female friends who are very attractive and who I may hang out with from time to time.

27. You think the ‘Twilight’ books and movies are good.

28. You wear colored contact lenses.

29. You smoke……..anything.

30. Your zodiac sign is ‘Gemini’.

31. You’re incapable of apologizing.

32. You say ‘uncapable’ when you mean ‘incapable’.

33. You think Coke is better than Pepsi.

34. Your idea of a diet is ordering a diet soda with your 2,000 calorie 3-piece fried chicken meal.

35. You think Dane Cook is funny.

36. You think I’m not funny.

37. You try too hard.

38. You don’t know how to make microwave popcorn.

39. You get off from work at the same time I leave to go to work.

40. You have a hard time accepting compliments.

41. If having flowers sent to your job for no reason bothers you. (I do that kind of thing)

42. You think you’re better than me.

43. You have more hair on your arms than I have on my legs.

44. You have less hair on your head than I have on my head.

45. You have A.B.S.  (See blog ‘Friday’s Distractions’ for definition of A.B.S.)

46. You were born and raised in England, but don’t speak with a British accent.

47. You were born and raised in Australia, but don’t speak with an Australian accent.

48. You were born and raised in Eastern Europe and still have your accent.

49. You work at Walmart. (Target is ok)

50. You don’t understand that half of this list is just me being funny.

P.S. This list will grow

Listen Ghost! I am not afraid of you. This is something you should now. I ain’t afraid of no ghosts! So there really is no reason for you to wake me up at 5am with your ‘boos’, ‘coos’, and other strange sounds. Besides, I’m not due to wake up till 530am.

What is the deal anyway? Are you stuck in limbo and need help resolving some issue before you can cross over? Is that it? Did someone murder you and your killer was never caught and you won’t rest until he pays for his crime. Whichever it is, I can help. Communication is the key here buddy. Leave me some clues! I recommend a message on the bathroom mirror after i take a hot shower. I figure you could manipulate the steam into words. No peeking.

If I am going to help you though, there has to be some ground rules.

1. No noises till after 530am. I’m cranky if I don’t get at least 6 hours of sleep. I won’t help you if I’m cranky.

2. If you’re a female ghost from Asia please do something about your hair if you’re going to show yourself. Cut it short, put it up, pull it back, or something. The long black hair hanging in front of the face with the one eye peeking out thing is a little scary.

3. Don’t mess with my TV. If I’m watching one of my shows or football and you interrupt the TV signal or crawl out of the TV, our deal is off. No exceptions! There is a reason I don’t use satellite.

4. Last but not least, You are not allowed to possess any object or anyone in this house…… unless your reason for possession is to communicate the problem you want me to solve for you. In that case, I will allow possession of any doll or toy with the exception of the Tickle Me Elmo. That would freak me out. If you cannot find an adequate toy, you can possess my daughter. But only for a short amount of time! And not during nap time!

PS: One more thing. My girlfriend says there is a bird that likes to hang out on my roof near the chimney opening making strange noises at 5am every morning. Can you handle that for me? I mean since you’re up anyway.

Last year I needed some fence work done in my back yard so I randomly selected a guy from the online yellow pages. Guy shows up and I reach out with my right hand to shake his right hand. Problem!! He only has two fingers on his right hand! And it’s two odd fingers like his thumb and pinkie. Something like that. The old Tony would have played it off showing no reaction whatsoever. Instead I looked down at this hand and said ‘sorry about that’. I felt like an idiot! Anyway, dude did an excellent job on the fence. Six months later, I need the gate of my fence replaced. I call up two-fingers. He shows up and I’m ready for the hand shake. I put out my right hand, but this time he shakes my right hand with his left hand. Awkward! Damn!! He must have remembered our last encounter. That threw me off and again I look down at this hand. I’ll be ready for him next time. He is a fence repair genius. No kidding. I don’t know how he does it.

Some of you already know, I’ve been kind of cheating on my diet. I am currently addicted to Braum’s chocolate ice cream. I don’t go crazy. Just one scoop at a time! One day I am at the Braum’s drive through….. (side note for those who don’t know what Braum’s is. It’s like Dairy Queen, but better.) Back to the story. I pull up to the drive through to pay for my order when this guy sticks his head out the window and shocks the hell out of me. He has one eye sagging about an inch lower than the other. I’m staring at the thing wondering if he can see out of it. It looks like his eye is falling out of his head. You can see eye veins and the stuff that is normally behind the eye. I have to be real. It was Gross. So I’m staring at the guy for what seemed like 2 minutes when my ears finally stop ringing and I hear him say (probably for the 4th or 5th time) “$1.35 please”. I felt like an ass because I knew he knew I was staring hard at his droopy eye. Why not wear a patch or something? Seems all was forgiven, because he gave me the biggest, best shaped scoop of ice cream a waffle cone could hold. Definitely better than the lady with no teeth who normally serves me.

I’m really starting to get concerned about this. When I used to work at an airport in Colorado I came across many different types of people of various sizes, shapes, colors……ailments. Nothing used to cause me to freeze, stare, or studder. I remember this one guy came through the airport with a tumor on the side of his face and neck the size of a basketball. Did not faze me at all. Maybe this Texas heat has messed me up somehow.

There’s more!

There is a burger place in my town called Griff’s. Decent place near my house. I go there last week for lunch and the lady that’s on the grill has a Unibrow. One long eyebrow! The Unibrow has got to be the most unattractive facial feature. That’s not all folks. She brings the food to the counter for me to pick up. (Not sure why the cook brought the food to the counter for me. She did not do that for anyone else. She must think all black guys like fat white girls) Anyway, as she gets closer I realize her unibrow is drawn in! Or tattooed! It’s not her real eyebrow. She shaved her real eyebrow and with makeup drew in her own. A unibrow!! She smiled as she gave me the food. I did not smile back. I stared at her like she was from another planet. And maybe she was! A human wouldn’t purposely do that to themselves, right? I hope to goodness it’s not a tattooed brow gone bad. I hope she was just not good with the eyebrow pencil that morning. (FYI ladies! Men do not like the fake eyebrows! We like real hair up there!) Much respect to the Unibrow though. She hooked me up with a delicious burger. Better than the last one cooked by the girl with no teeth.

P.S. There really is a girl working at Braum’s and at the burger place with missing teeth. I did not add that in for effect. My fence guy is also missing some teeth. We need to brush our teeth folks. Come on!

I hit balls at Leonard Golf Links in Fort Worth. It’s a very large range with over 60 tee Stations. I got there early on Friday and set up at the far left side just because there is this tree I like to aim at. I was there by myself till I was nearly done with my small basket. One older gentlemen shows up (another brotha) and sets up to my left. This bothered me a little. I was set up at around tee station number 5. There are over 55 stations to my right and 4 to my left, yet this guy wants to line up behind me (left) at station number 2 or 3. Why did he do this? I could only think of 3 reasons?

1) He thinks blacks have to hit balls from the far left side of the range. He was an older guy and maybe he thought we were still in the 60′s. Just kidding.

2) He’s likes setting up on the left of other men so he can check out their butts. For you non-golfers, by being on my left he is really behind me (assuming we’re both right handed). Maybe that’s his way of getting his peek on. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

3) He’s uncomfortable with his swing so he would rather not have anyone play behind him watching him. The last reason of course makes the most sense. I used to do that. But then the guy starts hitting balls and is hitting the ball great, while I’m chunking shots wondering if the guy behind me is checking out my ass. Next week I’ll hit from the far right side.

Speaking of rear ends. That night playing poker, I was in another strange situation. There was a young couple sitting at a table next to mine. The boyfriend was playing while the girlfriend was watching. The Girlfriend had her chair turned around backwards and was leaning her chin on the back support. She was wearing a short shirt and loose jean shorts, and in the position she was in I could see her coin slot. Coin Slot is another (and more gentle) way to say butt crack. All night I was looking at that butt crack. Not on purpose though!! When I had to look at the cards on my table the Coin Slot was just within my peripheral vision. I thought I about telling her, but You never know how someone is going to react. I didn’t want the end up kicking her boyfriends ass over that. Things became even more weird when I was moved to their table! I could not look at the couple! I felt guilty or something. (I honestly was not checking the girl out on purpose!) On top of that, the boyfriend knocks me out of the poker tournament.

On the way home, I thought I should call my girlfriend to see if she wants me to bring her something to eat. (Was I still feeling guilty?) That is when the fight started. Not with my girlfriend. Not with the guy whose girlfriend I was checking out (unintentionally). I got into a verbal argument with my Blackberry’s Voice Dialing. I have my girlfriends name in my Contacts twice; as Cristina and as AACristina. I added her in as AACristina for ease in texting because it puts her at the top of my contacts lists. Anyway, so I try to call my girlfriend:

Attempt #1

Voice Dialing: “Say a Command”

Me: “Call Cristina”

Voice Dialing: “Call Tinesha?” (her sister)

Me: “No”

Voice Dialing: “Call Kanika?” (her friend)

Me: “No”

Voice Dialing: “Call Stacy Mapel?” (My golf Instructor – sounds nothing like Cristina!)

Me: “NO!”

Voice Dialing: “Sorry. No Match found”

Attempt #2 (I try AaCristina – Pronounced aaah Cristina)

Voice Dialing: “Say a Command”

Me: “Call Aaah Cristina”

Voice Dialing: “Call AaCristina?”

Me: “Yes!”

Voice Dialing: “Call Cristina?”

Me: “I said YES!”

Voice Dialing: “Sorry No Match found”

I gave up on the voice dialing, pulled my phone off my belt and called manually. My Girlfriend doesn’t pick up because she’s asleep. Aaarrggh!!

P.S. Although my girlfriend is Asian, she does not suffer from ABS (Asian Butt Syndrome). She has a very nice Coin Slot.